The First Pee Is The Deepest.

I passed! My drug test, that is. And by "pass," I mean peed all over my pants trying to fill that little cup. But let me start at the beginning. I got up at effing 5am because our shuttle leaves at 6 for the hangar. Since our class has 45 people in it, they have to schedule two runs. Also happening at 6: the complimentary breakfast buffet that I can't attend. Add to that the fact that our coffee maker was seriously injured in the line of duty and you have one grumpy little flight attendant-to-be. And did I mention that I'm in Utah? All they have here is winter and Mormons. And possibly moose, I don't know.

At the hangar, we get a little greet-action from the trainers and learn a lot about the history of the company. So far so good, everyone is super nice and people have worked here for decades. Did I mention this is one of the few airlines that isn't bankrupt?

Making money is cool, but I'm more worried about my testing. The written test is first; it's easy and I only missed one question. I'm still a little fumbly with the safety announcement but apparently that $65,000 in student loans was worth it, since I pretty much give the best announcement ever, winning a thank you from the trainer for being prepared. After basking in my success for a few minutes I'm ready to go home, but wait - it's only 9am, the time I'm normally in bed dreaming of chicken tenders or something. To make this food deprivation even more cruel and unusual, a physical therapist talks to us about back pain and uses a picture of a jelly doughnut to represent a disk in your vertebrae (smashed doughnut=hernia=jelly splooge). Turns out flight attendants have more injuries than any other job in the industry but I DON'T CARE I WANT MY JELLY VERTEBRAE!

My mind is briefly off of food when we scurry through a security door that can only be open for 15 seconds and enter the main hangar to look at the aircrafts. It's just like Battlestar Galactica except they were planes instead of Vipers. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty cool.

I spend the rest of the day hearing presentations, taking the aforementioned drug test, getting my fingerprints scanned, testing my physical agility (hint: nonexistent but I faked it), and signing up for the employee website. Turns out that unlike my uber-paranoid previous employer, this one will actually let me research my benefits and check my email at home!

After we got back to the hotel, the shuttle took us on our first of two Wal-Mart runs, where I stocked up on butter, pot pies and Snack Packs.